Here it Goes Again

“Just when you think you’re in control, just when you think you think you’ve got a hold, just when you get on a roll, here it goes again.”

Things are much different than a month ago. I don’t know if I’d consider them worse or not. I know where I stand on my classes, so that’s a positive. I’m feeling relatively better than I have for a while, and that’s a positive. I am taking more control of the situations around me, people are no longer fighting for me or doing the work for me, that’s my job now and I’m doing a decent job of things.

Yet when I think things are starting to smooth out, here it goes again. I feel like I’m self-destructive. I screw up a LOT. I know it’s part of the human condition, but I feel like I screw up more than others. I also know that my screw ups rarely affect me directly. They usually hurt others. And that’s the last thing I want to do. I love people. I get my energy from being around them. It’s great. I love it. But I have a knack for destroying things when they get good. There’s something in me that likes to ruin things. And I really wish I didn’t.

There’s a lot of hope for the future. And I know in the end, God’s got it. That’s something that I’ve rarely felt. Ever. But I do right now. But sometimes I’m afraid that I’m going to get in the way of God’s plans. And I’m going to screw them up. I know, that’s giving myself a LOT of credit. But I am pretty egotistical in a sick demented sort of way. God is teaching me patience. And humility. A lot of the latter. A lot.

I still care about what others think of my intelligence, my faith, my appearance, and all of those shouldn’t and don’t matter to others. They are mine, and I have to reconcile them with God. And it’s tough. I really don’t like a lot of me. There are some good things, I know that.  But a lot of me still bothers me. And change comes slowly. That’s just one way where the patience comes into play.

And yet the journey is only going to get tougher from here. School is a battle in and of itself. My relationships are deteriorating, and it’s my fault. I have not been as faithful to God and the people I love as I want to be. The future is always trying to stare me in the face. I have enough trouble with today, so looking at the future is absolutely terrifying. It figures that I get anxious thinking about standing up and doing what I’m called to do.

My life isn’t easy. I’m stressed. Extremely so at some points. And I break. More than I want to. And I mess up. More than I want to. And I will be carried and helped. More than I want to.

I am more sorry than some people will ever know for the things I’ve done. Whether it’s small or big, I remember I did it ninety-nine percent of the time. I think things are looking up, but I’ve been fooled before with my arrogance.

“Just when you think you’re in control, just when you think you think you’ve got a hold, just when you get on a roll, here it goes again.”